what day is it and did you see me today?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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