just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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