sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
