I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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