Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
