I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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