"it" just moved
I could make wine with my vomit
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
