my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
