Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
