You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
