My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I need moral support for this bender
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
