I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
