You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
