so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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