he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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