If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
