bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
