My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
