If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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