I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
