I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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