I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
