finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
