the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
