Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
