You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
