Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
