I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
