True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
