the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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