got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
