I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
