running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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