He kissed a someone with a penis
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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