Define "chronic" masturbator.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
