Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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