Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
