:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
