The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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