I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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