so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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