I think I won the penis lottery.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My bed smells like the plague
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
