So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
