At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
