He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
