Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Oh god it's open bar.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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