I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
