Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
