How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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