Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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