I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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